The chapter I didn’t know needed an ending.. Pt.1

Lately, I’ve been having dreams about an ex-best friend, and it’s so random because our friendship ended almost eight years ago.

Why was she my friend in the first place?

That’s a great question. 😂 Honestly… I have no clue.

You know those friends your parents constantly tell you aren’t really your friends, but you insist they’re wrong? Yeah… she was that friend for me.

She was the type to be super cool to your face but throw little subliminal comments, and gossip about you behind your back,. We were young, though, so I ignored a lot of red flags that I definitely wouldn’t overlook today.

But there was one situation coming to mind right now and you will see why.

Back in high school, I used to talk to this guy. A really tall, handsome, chocolate, tattoo artist… whew. 😮‍💨 Anyway… back to the story. 😂

It wasn’t anything super serious—we were in high school, after all—but we talked all the time, hung out around school, and yes… we definitely shared a few kisses. I honestly can’t remember why things ended between us, which tells me it probably wasn’t anything major. If it had been, I’m sure I’d remember.

One day, my ex-best friend came to me and asked if she could date him.

I told her no.

Not because I thought I owned him, but because I genuinely liked him, and I couldn’t understand why my friend would even want to pursue someone she knew I still had feelings for. Out of all the people in the world… why him?

Well… she dated him anyway.

I was definitely hurt, but somehow we still stayed “friends.”

Looking back now, I realize I accepted a lot of behavior that I should’ve walked away from much sooner. At the time, I thought I was just being understanding and trying to keep the peace. In reality, I was ignoring the kind of disrespect that real friendships shouldn’t require you to tolerate.

About nine months ago, I started talking to this guy. We all went to the same high school, but surprisingly, we had absolutely no connection back then. We never had classes together, never really talked—nothing.

As we got to know each other, we started reminiscing about high school. We talked about who our friends were, people we dated, and all the random memories from those days.

And then… guess who came up?

Yep. My ex-best friend.

I vaguely remembered her mentioning him years ago, but I couldn’t remember the context—just that they knew each other. He told me they had texted for a little while and kissed a few times. Honestly, I didn’t think much of it. She had been a fake friend to me, and at this point it had been over a decade since high school. Life had moved on.

But then something started happening that caught my attention.

Every now and then, completely out of nowhere, he would bring her up in conversation.

“Did you see her on Instagram?”

“I kind of want to check on her.”

Little comments like that.

It wasn’t an everyday thing, but every time he mentioned her, I found myself getting more and more irritated. I couldn’t quite explain why. Maybe it was because this was someone I genuinely liked, and unfortunately.. I am definitely one to get jealous.

The more it happened, the more skeptical I became.

Then, out of nowhere, I started having dreams about the two of them.

If you know me, you know I dream all the time. Random dreams. Vivid dreams. Dreams that feel so real they stick with me all day. And whether that’s right or wrong, I’ve always been someone who believes my dreams can sometimes point to something happening in my real life.

So once those dreams started becoming a pattern, I couldn’t help but wonder…

Was my mind just making connections… or was my intuition trying to tell me something?

My last dream about her was crazyyyyyy.

In the dream, I was standing right in front of her, yelling, “YOU ALWAYS TRYNA TAKE MY MAN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

And yes… I even called her a slut.

I know, I know. 😂 I’m definitely not proud of that part, but that’s not really the point.

The point is… that’s when I realized something.

I’m still angry with her.

Not in a way that consumes my everyday life. I have quite literally gone years without thinking about her. I don’t keep up with her, I don’t see her, nothing.

But the moment someone finally brought up her name?

Instant irritation.

For the longest time, I didn’t even realize I still carried those feelings. I had convinced myself that I was over it simply because I wasn’t actively thinking about it anymore. Plus. that was years ago and high school. whoopty doo!

But apparently, my subconscious had a different opinion.

And that’s what made this whole thing so interesting.

Sometimes we think we’ve healed just because we’ve learned how to live without thinking about a situation. But healing isn’t always the absence of memories—sometimes it’s the absence of the emotional reaction attached to those memories.

That dream forced me to ask myself a hard question:

Have I actually healed… or have I just been avoiding the wound?

On the other hand, God has been leaving me little hints of needing to forgive others for the last few weeks. I knew I had some forgiving to do but there’s plenty of other people I would think would be at the top of the list.

After that last dream, I was finally like, “Okay, God… what’s really going on?”

Because honestly, I didn’t care to think about her, and I definitely didn’t want to keep dreaming about her. So I prayed and asked, “What are You trying to show me?”

I spend a lot of time on YouTube, and if you’re anything like me, you know your homepage is always changing. But for some reason, this one sermon kept showing up every single time I opened the app.

No matter how many times I refreshed my homepage…

There it was.

At first, I ignored it. Then I finally said, “Okay, okay… let me listen.”

And whew…

That sermon was my answer.

Here it is if you feel called to listen for yourself.

It wasn’t really about my ex-best friend at all. It was about what I was still carrying. Something that I can’t carry and be the person that God is calling me to be.

Sometimes God will allow something to keep surfacing—not to torment us, but to reveal what still needs His attention.

That sermon changed the way I looked at those dreams, and from that moment on, I stopped asking, “Why do I keep dreaming about her?” and started asking, “God, what are You trying to heal in me?”

Forgiveness gives you peace.

Wow… peace.

Now that I’m sitting here thinking about it, peace is something I’ve been praying for.

WOOOW.

Not me having a revelation in the middle of writing this blog. 😂 And as I’m typing this, I literally just got a notification on my phone, which feels like confirmation that I’m on the right track. Isn’t God good, y’all?

The sermon explained that forgiveness gives you peace because you begin to understand that the person who hurt you is not your enemy. It’s the spirit working behind them. They’re still God’s child just like you are, and God has a purpose and a plan for their life just as He has one for yours.

So, was all of this about forgiving her?

I mean… yes.

But I also think it was about so much more than that.

Without that man coming into my life, randomly bringing her up, and unintentionally stirring up emotions I didn’t even know I still had, would I have ever come to this revelation about forgiveness? Probably not.

Now, the lesson God taught me isn’t something I can only apply to her—it’s something I can carry into every relationship and every situation where forgiveness feels impossible.

Sometimes God doesn’t refine us the easy way.

Sometimes it takes hurt.

Sometimes it takes heartbreak.

Sometimes it takes uncomfortable situations that expose what’s still hidden in our hearts.

But through it all, He’s shaping us into who He has called us to be.

I truly believe God has big plans for my life. But in order to walk fully in my purpose, I can’t keep carrying around a heavy heart. A broken heart creates a broken vessel, and I don’t want anything to limit what God wants to do through me.

If we desire God’s forgiveness, we also have to be willing to forgive others.

If you feel led, I encourage you to listen to the sermon. There may be something in it that speaks directly to your heart, too.

And one last thing…

Please don’t go cussing that man out over a dream. 😂 I’m telling you… just take it to the Lord.

Amen.

XOXO,
Lex 🤍