No More Entertainers

So, I’m laying in bed doing my little nightly TikTok scroll, laughing, minding my business, enjoying my night, and what do I come across?

A TikTok explaining the meaning behind “No More Entertainers” by Mariah the Scientist.

And BOOM.

Mood. Ruined. 😂

Why?

Because suddenly I’m reminded of a situation that I’ve actually been doing pretty damn good at putting behind me. But this TikTok somehow put the entire situation into words in a way that I couldn’t.

And reading it made me realize, wait… is this exactly what I went through?

I assume so. We’ll get into that later.

The TikTok, posted by “Decoded,” explained the song as being about falling deeply for someone who was never planning to give you anything real. What starts off casual eventually becomes serious for one person because the other person’s words and actions create the belief that there could be something more.

Eventually, that person realizes they were genuinely falling in love while the other person was giving them just enough attention to keep the fantasy alive.

They were being entertained, not committed to.

And THAT sent me into a little spiral of sadness.

Because while reading it, I couldn’t stop thinking about my own situation.

But instead of giving this so-called “perfect man,” as he described himself, any more attention than he deserves, I want to talk about the principle of it all.

Because at the end of the day, I don’t want the man.

I don’t miss the man.

And honestly, I think the man is much more of a work in progress than he realizes. 😂

What bothers me is the realization that while I was putting all my eggs in one basket and genuinely falling in love, I may have been the only one emotionally investing in what I thought we were building.

And that’s a painful realization.

Not because I lost some great love of my life, but because my feelings were real.

I wasn’t pretending.

I wasn’t keeping one foot out the door just in case something better came along.

I was very satisfied. VERY.

No other man was attractive to me. I genuinely believed no other man could be as much of a MAN as the person I believed he was.

And that’s probably one of the reasons this hurt so much.

When I started seeing the possibility of something more, I allowed myself to believe it.

And maybe that’s where I got hurt.

Because I was responding to the connection I thought we were creating, while the other person may have simply been enjoying the connection for what it was in the moment.

And I think that’s what makes situations like this so confusing.

You can sit there afterward wondering if you imagined everything.

And sometimes we don’t imagine it.

We just believe it.

When someone tells you, “I love you,” you believe them.

When you talk about your future together, you believe them.

When someone consistently tells you one story about their life, you believe the story because you have no reason not to.

Because sometimes people are really, really good at storytelling.

Some people can create an entire reality for you and make you feel like you’re standing inside of it.

And when you’re given no reason to question it, why wouldn’t you believe it?

That’s the part I think a lot of women need to be careful with.

Believing.

And I’m not gonna lie, y’all…

I don’t really have an answer for how to do that right now.

Prior to this situation, I already had major trust issues. But this?

I’ve NEVER dealt with somebody who was sooooo good at hiding EVERYTHING.

Somebody who was good with words.

Somebody who could make a story sound so believable that you didn’t even think to question the story.

A master.

A scholar.

A man with a PhD from Liar University. 😂

And now I’m just sitting here like…

Okay. So how exactly am I supposed to trust people after THAT?

I don’t know.

I genuinely don’t.

It also hurts knowing that you can just be living your life, completely unaware, while someone else makes a conscious decision that you’re going to be the person they entertain.

Like…

“Yep. Her. I’ll give her enough to keep her here, let her believe what I want her to believe, and eventually I’ll walk away when I’m done.”

Do people actually think that way?

Do they know they’re doing that while they’re doing it?

I don’t know.

And maybe I don’t need to know.

Because as much as this situation hurt me, there is something good that came from it.

If I had never gone through that situation, The Diary of Alexis might not exist.

I wanted to get so much off my chest and had nobody I felt like I could really talk to about it, so I turned to writing.

At the time, I was reading a book where the main character was a blogger.

And boom.

Here we are.

Something I started because I needed somewhere to put my thoughts has become something I genuinely love.

Something great came out of something horrible.

And maybe that’s the part I need to focus on.

Because, yes, there is still a part of me that hates the idea that people can hurt you, lie to you, disrupt your entire emotional world, and then seemingly go right back to their normal lives.

You can be left picking up the pieces while they go home, sleep peacefully, laugh, eat dinner, go to work, live their life…

And you’re sitting there wondering how somebody could hurt you so deeply and just keep going.

I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve thought,

“So they just get away with it?”

But then I remember…

There’s God.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Exodus 14:14

And maybe that’s where I’m supposed to leave it.

Because I am human.

And if I’m being completely honest, yes…

There is a part of me that wants them to suffer.

There.

I said it.

😂

Not because I want to spend my life plotting revenge or wishing bad things on anybody. I just want, for once, for the person who caused the pain to understand what it feels like to carry it.

But that’s not my job.

And I don’t want to become so consumed with what happens to them that I forget what God is doing with me.

So I’ll let God handle whatever needs to be handled.

I’ll let Him fight the battles I don’t have the strength, desire, or business fighting.

And I’m going to do what I can do:

be still.

Write.

Heal.

Create.

Live.

And keep moving.

Because maybe the real consequence isn’t watching someone suffer.

Maybe it’s realizing that they don’t get to take anything else from me.

Not my peace.

Not my creativity.

Not my softness.

Not my ability to love.

Not my future.

And definitely not the rest of my life.

They already took enough.

No more entertainers.

I’m done being part of the show. 🖤